Your Community Matters: My Journey to Building My Support Network
Today, I’m getting personal. Today, I’m diving into the aftermath of calling off a wedding, and enduring the pain of an 8-year story abruptly ending, like a heart-wrenching series finale. I tell this story because it was the point in my journey when I almost shattered into irreparable pieces. My PCOS, anxiety, depression, ADHD, and asthma, all flared up seemingly in unison- my thyroid likely only controlled by the pill I took every morning. The importance of surrounding myself with the right people to help me heal confronted me like a wrecking ball tearing through the windows of my 8th floor apartment. My old patterns of behavior were harming my health, psyche, spirit…
…and without the right people holding me, i might not be writing this today
After we called off the wedding and ended the relationship, I was at my absolute lowest of lows. I didn’t recognize myself in anything: the reflection in the mirror, my behavior, my thoughts, my weakness and frailty. Everything in me was broken. Everything I knew about the future slipped through my fingers like water and sand. I retreated into my perceived sense of safety: self-isolation, and self-medicating with food and alcohol. I avoided almost everyone from the shattered shared world of my ex and I - anyone who was part of our 8-year story I once thought was our joint novel, only to learn it was just a chapter in each of our respective narratives. I knew communing with the people we shared would make it all real. Seeing them would make me vulnerable to criticism, judgment, rejection from people I’d known for decades. I clung to the lifeline of that which had been separate from my ex: my life at MIT, my life in Boston, my best friends from my first big girl job. They held me with one-sided compassion, knowing and prioritizing only me, I didn’t have to face the pain of thinking too much about my ex’s side. With them, I didn’t have to face the pain of what I did wrong.
give people the chance to show up for you…they might surprise you
My instinct was to hide from everyone, but when I no longer could, the people I leaned on showed me undying support. Minh-Y made plans to come up to Boston for my graduation so I wouldn’t feel the intensity of my ex’s absence. Shash would pick up FaceTime requests in the middle of the night with the time difference to London. Evan and Gabe would answer in between sets at the gym, and even while getting ready for weddings. Rachel drank wine with me on my couch and delivered care packages. Alex bore similar pain and cried next to me while we exchanged dark jokes about our respective, and collective, trauma. They all provided me with different elements of healing, but deep within me I felt a hollowness I could nearly touch but not name, a hollowness whose roots refused to touch my lips and avoided my mind’s eye. A hollowness I now know that was driven by an avoidance that would soon be inescapable.
the night i became that girl
Shash was visiting from London, and I was eager to see her in person. We went to Oscar Wilde with her boyfriend, our friend Evan, and his girlfriend. As it turns out, fifth wheeling was not something I was ready for less than a month after my breakup. I coped with shot after shot of tequila, chased by espresso martinis. I swore I’d never be that woman sobbing in the middle of a bar…until I was. We left Oscar Wilde and headed to sweaty, testosterone-ridden Slate for reasons I still can’t explain. Minh-Y texted that she was coming to meet us when I felt my face fall. Like a woman possessed, the tears erupted out of me. My suppressed emotions, angry I had robbed them of their voice, now my puppeteer. I sobbed into Shash’s shoulder while she held me and called an Uber to take me home, her raincoat’s sole purpose to catch the torrential downpour of tears from my eyes. She and Minh-Y stayed by my side until my hysterics commanded my body into sleep.
i had to stop avoiding the pain
I laid in bed the entire next day, partially from emotional exhaustion, partially from the hangover I deserved. My only company was a mutilated, dissected pizza and “How to Be Single” playing on TV. Everything brought me to a grinding halt to provide space for reevaluation, introspection and contemplation. In this space of introspection, yes, I needed solitude. I needed space to process what happened, my role in it, why I did what I did, and what I wanted to apologize for and change moving forward. I sat alone on the beach, hoping my sobs would be masked by the sound of the ocean waves crashing onto the shoreline.
But isolation? Absolutely not. The truth is that by avoiding mine and my ex’s shared community, I was avoiding the complexity and depth of the pain I tried to bury. I needed people around me who knew who my ex and I were together: the people I had been most afraid would reject and hate me after this breakup. The people who knew just how soul-wrenching this would be for me. The people who had developed deep relationships with him over 8 years. I needed them so I could start to understand that judgment-free love was possible, that vulnerability and showing even the ugliest pieces of me could be nourishing, not dangerous. I needed to confront my fears that once people saw the full me, everyone would leave. So I made plans for exposure therapy.
how refusing to confront our pain destroys our health
Refusing to confront what we are avoiding negatively impacts our health: psychologically, physically, emotionally. I had already started my holistic wellness journey by this point, and for a time my hair was finally growing back. But no, during this time, it shed in clumps. Anytime a new strand would attempt to grow, it broke. My immune system was destroyed. I was constantly sick. I had colds, sinus infections, bronchitis, and I got pink eye as a fully grown adult.
My energy was depleted. My anxiety on overdrive. Depression in a place I never thought it could go. I found myself wishing I would disappear. It was different from wanting to die, it was different from suicidal ideation. I wanted to evaporate. Like a cup of water left in the sun - I wanted to be carried up particle by particle, only to disintegrate into the air. Lacking the energy, lacking the motivation, to even remove myself from the equation of life… I wanted someone - or something - to gently take me piece by piece and unite me with the elements of the Earth. I had, and wanted, zero agency.
it was time to rip off the bandaid
I told Gabrielle the secret I had kept from her for nearly a decade. I shared my fears with Christy. I confronted my mom about the patterns of behavior I learned in that heavy household. Erica asked me what I needed and told me I would always be her priority, even if my ex was her fiance’s best friend. Lauren told me it was time for me to love myself. Liz told me I needed to give them the chance to be there for me, rather than assume everyone hated me. Matt and Nicole sat in the car with me, talking for hours, unknowingly catching Covid, to help with my audible processing.
Instead of running from all the people I was most afraid would hate me, I ran toward them, a necessary component to pick up the pieces of me that had broken, and reassemble them into something new. They met me with love, compassion, and at times elements of reality I had been too fearful to confront. Did people say some…misguided... stuff? Absolutely. But it meant more that they were willing to sit in discomfort with me than it did to say the exact right thing every time. I mean, what the f*** was the right thing to say, anyway? I pressed on.
healing from my breakup became a portal to understanding the next steps of my journey to caring holistically for my pcos
I went back to Boston committed to continuing this work, committed to unlearning self-isolation, self-medication, and withholding of my authenticity. Through a combination of intentional solitude, therapy, and tactful community, I have healed not only from the breakup, but I’ve also embarked on a journey of breaking unhealthy patterns that exacerbated my PCOS. Not only did I get more in touch with who I am on an individual level, I also was more intentional about the activities I wanted to spend time on, and who I wanted to spend time with.
Not so coincidentally, my pastimes no longer revolved around alcohol, food, or otherwise numbing out. Instead the activities I wanted to do shifted to soul nourishing activities. I started to write again. I was living in a world of books, surrounded by nature as I drew inspiration from the words on the page and the trees and people around me. Exercise was not a chore, but a way for me to rebuild my mind-body connection, and a way to show gratitude for my body, allowing it to be the vessel to help me experience life. I shied away from spending time with people who only wanted to drink alcohol together. Instead of making self-deprecating jokes or deflecting vulnerable conversations with humor, I actively sought out meaningful conversations, probing with thoughtful questions, and delivering reflective responses. I went for long walks, and tried new hobbies, ranging from painting to pole dancing.
the people i wanted to spend time with changed
Naturally, the people I found myself spending more time with were individuals who helped me learn coregulation, and the medicinal benefits of being in true connection with another person. Their habits, tolerance, and willingness to be vulnerable, began to retrain my nervous system. I physically felt my body exiting fight or flight mode. I felt my inner critic dwindling in strength, getting closer and closer to its rightful grave. I grew kind with my body, honoring her wisdom, no longer telling her she was subservient to my rational mind.
more than a year has gone by and…
I’m still on this journey, and I’m still learning who is healthy for me, and who is unhealthy for me. I’m still learning who I was yesterday, am today, and will become tomorrow. I’m realizing this journey is one of relentless reinvention, and a willingness to be so undyingly authentic that when new insight brings rebirth, I can still pay homage to the past that shaped me and gave me strength. The past that I still carry with me as a token of what was, how far I’ve come, and how far I’ll go.
I’ll never pretend to know everything, or even claim to have scratched the surface. But some of the questions I’ve asked myself on my own journey might be helpful as you navigate your own, so here they are…
Questions I asked in getting reacquainted with myself:
What drives me? What are my top two values in life that motivate everything I do? Why?
What is truly important to me in life? Am I living in alignment with that? If not, how can I better live my values?
What pieces of myself have I neglected out of fear of judgment, fear of failure, or other fears?
What “role self” have I adapted to? Meaning, who is the version of me I have learned to present to the world to be accepted? How does this differ from who I actually am?
What do I deeply crave in life that I haven’t even allowed myself to think about because I believe I’m not worthy of it?
What did I love to do as a child that I’ve disconnected from?
What activities do I genuinely enjoy doing?
What activities make me feel most alive and most connected to my authentic self?
What activities deplete me of energy?
Questions I asked when evaluating my support system:
Who am I with when I feel most comfortable, confident and supported?
Who am I with when I feel safest being vulnerable and opening up?
Who am I with when I feel most connected to my authentic self?
Who am I with when I like myself the most?
Who am I with when I feel criticized or judged?
Who am I with when I clam up or feel like I can’t talk about what’s on my mind?
Who am I with when I find myself falling into old patterns of behavior I’m trying to change?
Who genuinely wants to spend time with me regardless of the activity we’re doing?
Who is open to supporting me in my new habits, and won’t make me feel criticized for changing?
Who do I avoid and why? Do I avoid them because they make me feel too vulnerable, or seen? Does how much they care about me scare me? Or am I avoiding them because they encourage unhealthy behaviors, habits, or patterns of thinking?
Who am I drawn to and why? Am I drawn to them because it’s easy and familiar? Or because they make me feel validated, seen, heard, and challenge me to think about life from different perspectives?
Is there anyone I feel resentful of? Am I allowing them to take too much from me?
Is there anyone I have taken advantage of? Have they allowed me to take too much from them?
we can’t isolate ourselves and expect our pcos to improve
This is by no means exhaustive lists of questions, but I do think they are a helpful place to start as you think about becoming reacquainted with yourself and your values, and assess your support circle. PCOS can be extremely lonely and encourage us to isolate ourselves, and if we are not surrounded by the right people, we’ll remain stuck in isolation. The people around us can help us heal our nervous systems, and rewire them for safety and connection. But if we stay surrounded by people who trigger us, put us into a stress response, deplete us, or encourage unhealthy behaviors, our nervous systems will remain wired for protection. Our connections will be less meaningful, and our health will suffer. Here are some archetypes I’ve created for myself to help me assess relationships.
The 6 People Preventing Us From Healing
The Lead Weight: the person who’s annoyed you’re changing and is trying to pull you back into old habits
The Foot Tapper: the person who’s rushing your change and saying you should be further along by now
The Gaslighter: the person who invalidates your struggles or makes you feel shame and guilt
The Taker: the person who takes but never gives, depleting your energy
The Judgy One: the person who makes you feel badly about yourself, either directly or by judging others for similar struggles
The Bulldozer: the person who refuses to honor your boundaries
The 5 People Promoting Our Healing
The Compassionate One: the person who makes you feel seen even if they can’t relate directly
The Role Model: the person who already is where you’d like to be
The Fun One: the person who injects your life with joy, bringing out
The Positive One: the person who expresses gratitude for life in general
The Partner in Crime: the person who joins you in the trenches to support your new habits