The Science of Community, Connection and Your Health
I learned about the importance of surrounding myself with the right people after calling off my wedding. Intentionally building a support system not only helped me to heal from my breakup, but it also helped me to optimize my health. But why? I may have felt the effects firsthand, but what did science have to say about what was happening in my body?
The Science of Co-Regulation
Have you ever been in a great mood, and then your boss comes into a meeting totally anxiety-ridden, and suddenly you feel out of sorts? Or have you ever been inexplicably angry, but a loved one’s calming voice suddenly makes your face soften? This is the science of co-regulation. We feel, and often mimic, the energy of the people around us, without conscious awareness.
The autonomic nervous system is tasked with ensuring our survival. Before we consciously perceive what is happening in our environment, including the nature of social interactions, our autonomic nervous system is receiving and responding to cues without our awareness. Dr. Stephen Porges, the father of Polyvagal Theory, defined this as “neuroception”, detection without awareness. You may have heard about the vagus nerve. It is the main component of the parasympathetic nervous system, or the “rest and digest” branch. It originates in the brain stem, connecting to the face, heart and stomach. It’s worth noting that the vagus nerve is really a bundle of fibers, and 80% of those fibers are afferent, which means messages are sent directly from the body to the brain. This is why we have the saying “story follows state”. Our bodies, in a given state, deliver messages to the brain about cues of safety or danger. By the time our brain receives a message, our body has often already made a determination about the situation at hand.
Psychologically and emotionally safe people retrain and soothe our nervous system
When we are with people our nervous system perceives as trustworthy, our brain can tell us a story of safety. The people with which we interact can either facilitate a nervous system wired for connection, or one wired for protection. Cues of safety from others, like genuine smiles, soft eye contact, a comforting voice, authentic listening and engagement, absence of judgment, can move us out of a more primitive nervous system state. The goal is to move into the ventral vagal state that not only permits social engagement, but also physical healing.
So, we can’t heal in isolation, but if we are wired to believe connection is dangerous, we will run from the very thing that can help us heal
That is to say, we cannot heal in isolation. When I tried to close out the world after my breakup, it only led to emotional eruption. It is through interaction with others that we send and receive cues of safety. By hiding away in my apartment, or behind alcohol when I did socialize, I deprived myself of the nourishing connections that could help me recover from both the breakup and patterns of behavior I carried with me from childhood.
If life experiences have taught us that connection is dangerous, recall that our autonomic nervous system is wired for survival. The story the body will tell the brain is one of danger. It takes practice to unlearn that which may have resulted from societal messaging, unhealthy romantic relationships, bullying, toxic friendships, difficult relationships with our caregivers, and so much more.
emotional loneliness can manifest even when you’re surrounded by people
You might be in relationship or connection with others, and still feel alone, and I’m going to tell you why. I feel guilty for writing this, because my ex has a huge heart. I know how much we both care about each other, and I know we tried to be what each other needed, we just didn’t find our groove. But the truth is, even when I was in that relationship, I felt such a profound sense of loneliness. I couldn’t name this feeling during the course of the relationship, but hindsight grants so much clarity. In fact, it wasn’t just with him. Many of the relationships in my life I thought were filled with close connections somehow felt hollow. I could be surrounded by people in one moment, only to know that deep sense of loneliness would return the second I was alone. Why?
I have engaged in self-concealment for my entire life
Have you heard of the term self-concealment? Psychologists and researchers have defined self-concealment as “the tendency to actively or consciously hide distressing personal information from others”. It is viewed as a personality variable, and can take shape if we were taught or if we interpreted that certain aspects of our mind, body, spirit, etc., were shameful, unacceptable, or undeserving. In my case, I never felt fully seen by anyone around me. I grew up in a chaotic household where no one could control their emotions. My dad’s anger ruled the house, and my mom’s oscillation between intense attentiveness, absence, frantic overwhelm, and anger, produced an unpredictable environment. My older sisters adopted intense emotional reactions as well, but what I learned was to try to remain invisible. There was no room for any additional emotion in that house the way I saw it, so I shut down and buried everything as deeply as I could.
enter my ‘role-self’
This environment molded me. I became hyper-independent. I didn’t want to be in a position where I had to rely on anyone, especially not my family. I developed blind ambition to achieve academically, and eventually professionally, to the point where it consumed every waking moment, and disrupted moments that should have been reserved for sleep. People who are now close friends of mine defined me as “scary” and “intimidating” when they first met me. My entire façade was constructed to relay a “do not f**k with me or you’ll be sorry” energy. I grew cold, blunt, emotionally repressed, careful not to show vulnerability or enthusiasm for anything. I shut down a desire for genuine love, accepting a toxic view that love is associated with fear and disappointment. In everything I did, I tried to show that I didn’t need anyone. I hid my soft side, the part of me that cries at sad movies, that is deeply sensitive to both myself and others, the part that craves love and connection, the hopeless romantic. I rejected my creativity and my artistic side, believing that it was out of alignment with the person I thought I had to be.
Psychologists define this as a “role self”. It’s different from the true self, and overtakes the true self out of a functional need for survival or acceptance. It is the version of us we perceived we had to become to be safe, accepted, loved, successful - you name it. And, just as it sounds, playing a “role” suggests living out of alignment with who we are authentically. Quite frankly, I don’t know that in 8 years, my ex ever saw the “true” me. I think he saw glimmers, moments when I let my guard down, but in general, there were both internal and external reasons why I never brought my full self to the equation.
don’t forget about psychologically unsafe individuals…
You might feel a need to engage in self-concealment because of pre-existing wounds, or you might feel a need to engage in it because you’re surrounded by people who make you feel psychologically or emotionally unsafe. It’s in your best interest to either set strict boundaries with these people, cut them out entirely, or change the way you react to them. If you are in an abusive situation, the National Domestic Violence Hotline can help. They are available 24/7 and can help guide you on how to safely leave a harmful situation.
self-concealment can lead to deep psychological unrest
With rising suicide rates, crippling mental health issues across the world, and every other person in the room on anxiety or depression medication, researchers are desperately searching for the ‘why’. Studies have shown that self-concealment negatively impacts satisfaction with life, and increases the likelihood of psychological unrest and mental health issues. Self-concealment can also block individuals from seeking out resources for their mental health, leading to untreated conditions and intensification of issues.
So, what does it mean? It means that when we adhere to a role-self that we crafted out of response to our environment, as opposed to what is in alignment with what we genuinely want in life, and who we want to be, we can feel unseen by the people around us. We can even feel unseen by ourselves because we have been playing the role for so long, we aren’t even sure who we are. And that can lead to weakened quality of life, lack of purpose or perceived meaning, intense loneliness, anxiety, depression, procrastination, and so much more.
my ‘toughness’ was actually intense cowardice
Brene Brown has been one of my go-to’s as I’ve been on my journey of healing wounds from childhood, adolescence, and young adulthood. When I feel myself slipping back into my ‘role self’ tendencies, I remind myself about her research on vulnerability. She reminds us, “vulnerability is not winning or losing; it’s having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome. Vulnerability is not weakness; it’s our greatest measure of courage. People who wade into discomfort and vulnerability and tell the truth about their stories are the real badasses”.
Wow.
And she’s right. How much easier was it for me to put up the tough girl, hyper-independent façade than to admit to what I really craved was depth of connection? Real courage, real bravery, was in being honest with myself and the people around me about who I am and what I want. That tough girl exterior is nothing but a defense mechanism because subconsciously I knew, the moment I’m honest about what I want, the moment I state my needs, I allow for someone to reject me. I allow for someone to disappoint me, to hurt me. The truth is, the tough girl role-self was the coward.
When I broke down, it was my wakeup call. Now I know it wasn’t me breaking down, it was my ability to deny my true self. The fake version of me cracked open, and I am actively trying to let her go.
If you haven’t read “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents” yet, I can’t recommend it enough. PsyD Lindsay Gibson dives into a method for identifying your true self versus your role self. Her recommendations are to take a sheet of paper and fold it in half vertically. On one side, write “Role Self”. What elements of yourself took shape because of a reaction to your environment, or a need for survival? On the left side, write “True Self”. Ask yourself questions like, what did you love to do during childhood? What made you happy? What was your disposition or personality like?
Then, don’t look at the sheet of paper for a day. Come back to it and review it. Are you living more in alignment with your role self, or your true self? What elements of your role self may not be serving you anymore? What elements of your true self do you want to resurrect? What’s an activity you can do every week to reconnect with your true self?
What has adapting my life to be in alignment with my True Self rather than my Role-Self looked like for me?
This has been a difficult journey, and I know it’s going to be lifelong. I’m trying to reconnect with my creative self in whatever ways I can. I’m also trying new activities, from mini pottery kits, to bouldering, to pole dancing. I’m attempting to discover what truly lights me up and brings me joy. I’m trying to let go of my intense tough-girl, self-deprecating exterior. I’m trying to make eye contact with strangers instead of avoiding it, and relax my facial muscles. This has been tough, but a couple of times I felt myself smile at someone…usually if they’re walking a dog. I’m asking for help, and not trying to run myself into the ground with how hard I work. I’m prioritizing my health and wellness, nourishing my body with the food it deserves, moving it in a way that makes me happy, and seeking out authentic connection.
to sum up…
So, here’s what I’ve learned. Shutting myself down and reverting to a survival mode of hyper-independence will just set me back on my journey. I’m losing opportunities for coregulation, to retrain my nervous system. Self-concealment is just another form of isolation. I’ll forever feel alone even in a sea of people if I’m not authentic to who I am, not to my fabricated role self. Showing up authentically is brave. Vulnerability is courageous, not dangerous.