PCOS and Reparenting Your Inner Child
Last week, I shared with you my theory that similar epigenetic factors that I believe led to my PCOS also led to my development of an insecure attachment style. It has impacted my adult relationships, especially romantic ones. We closed out with the understanding that to address something like an insecure attachment, or a nervous system that has been conditioned to associate relationships with fear or danger, we have to reparent our inner child.
So what is the inner child?
Carl Jung is credited with defining the “inner child”. It is the unconscious part of the adult self that governs our view of the world, our view of ourselves, and the way we interact with life itself. Reparenting involves meeting our inner child where she is, and showing her that she is safe, and that her adult self can fulfill unmet childhood needs. In this way we bring some of our unconscious behaviors and beliefs to the forefront of our minds, first developing an awareness that maybe our adult self is not running the show, but rather it’s our inner child.
I’m going to walk you through how I’ve started the process of connecting with and healing my inner child. I’ll give you a personal account so you can think about what this might look like for you.
I discovered my core internal wounds
Our core internal wounds drive the narratives we listen to and feed about ourselves. To learn my core internal wounds, I had to listen to my thoughts. What patterns constantly arose in my self-talk throughout my life? What voice or words feels most familiar to me? I honed in on the themes of the phrases that had beaten me down since childhood.
You’re not smart enough to be here. Everyone is going to realize you’re a joke and you’ve somehow managed to fool everyone with your intelligence. They’re all going to figure it out eventually and then you will be humiliated
You’re not pretty enough. You’re not skinny enough. What makes you think you can pursue that opportunity? All they will think about is the fact that you’re overweight
Your needs are shameful. You have to put other people first and do for them instead of yourself. You’re not enough for people to just enjoy your company. You have to produce - you have to help them and overextend yourself to prove your worth
You can only rely on yourself. Asking for help is weak. Stating your needs will only lead to disappointment. People always disappoint. Instead of dealing with the pain of disappointment, meet your needs yourself
Love is pain. Love is fear. Love is inconsistent. Love is disappointment. Who could possibly want that? Shut down your emotions. Don’t feel
If people saw the whole you, and the real you, you would have nothing and no one. Be the person they’re telling you that you’re supposed to be instead of being true to your actual needs and desires.
You have no idea what you are doing. Who said you were educated enough to do what you’re doing? No one gave you permission. Everyone is going to call you a fraud. Sit back down and be quiet
Don’t let anyone see your vulnerability or genuine emotions. They will eventually use your pain against you, even people who claim to love you. Hide your fear with a tough exterior. Eventually you’ll believe it, too
She couldn’t get better because of you. She didn’t love you enough and you didn’t deserve her getting better
Everything is going to fall apart. Everything is going to explode. You know it’s true, and it’s just a matter of when, not if
I started to analyze these phrases.
What was really at the core of the stories I was telling myself?
Fear. Everything came down to how terribly afraid I was
Fear of not being good enough or smart enough. Fear of rejection. Fear of failure. I latched onto any example that proved my fears correct, and excused or ignored experiences that provided evidence against it. I felt something in me was deeply flawed, and was terrified of the day it would inevitably be revealed. And because this core wound of unworthiness was so wired into my nervous system and psyche, I believed:
I will be humiliated and rejected once people see the real me
I cannot rely on anyone. Hyper-independence is the only way
Overextending myself will prevent my true self from being exposed
If love doesn’t include pain, fear, inconsistency and disappointment, then it’s not love
Emotions are dangerous and will only expose you
Thought Pattern Interruption Helped Me Dismantle My Core Internal Wounds
Just having a new level of self understanding was helpful to me. I could see my inner child and subconscious narrative patterns started to run the show. It gave me a different grasp of reality, and the power to challenge these thoughts when they arose. I asked myself, “is this true 100% of the time?” I challenged myself to provide at least one example that disproved my wired belief. Did love really have to include pain, fear, inconsistency and disappointment? No, it didn’t. My relationship with my older sister was an example of that. There was no fear. Pain? I mean, could we push each other’s buttons like no one else, sure. Eventually I did let her see the whole me, even the mistakes I thought I made that I thought she would hate me for. She didn’t. All she did was continue to pour out love and support for me. This also provided evidence against hyper-independence being the only way.
I did a post-mortem analysis of triggering events
I outlined: what was the triggering event? I stated factually what happened. I then created another category where I looked at the emotions I experienced during the event. What was I feeling? Can I name the emotion? If I can’t name the emotion, can I describe the feeling or where it was in my body? The next category was about the core wound those emotions were tied to. What thoughts did it bring up? What story did I tell myself in response to those emotions? And lastly, what was my behavior after the event took place? What were my actions?
Here’s an example:
Triggering Event: My partner said he was going to move in with me without talking about it with me first
Emotions: Overwhelmed, invaded, disrespected, anxious, nervous
Beliefs Triggered: I cannot rely on anyone. Moving in together will create unhealthy dependency on each other and will make me lose my independence, which is how I know to survive and stay safe
Thoughts: What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I want what other people want? Why do I feel this uncontrollable need to run or push him away? At the same time, why does he think this shouldn’t be a mutually agreed upon decision or conversation? What’s happening? I feel like the rug is being pulled out from beneath me. I’m not in control of my life and things are just happening. I can’t talk to him about it because I’m wrong. There’s something wrong with me and I’m supposed to want this. I have to stay quiet and just do this. I’m supposed to want it, so just do it.
Actions: I shut down. Instead of communicating, I ran. I sabotaged the relationship.
I did this with many triggering events that could come to memory. Time and time again I saw fear. Fear that I was making the wrong decision. Fear that I could not trust myself. Fear that everything was going to explode. Fear that I would lose my independence. Fear that I would end up with no one. Fear that my life would be full of pain and disappointment. Fear that the real me would be exposed and I would be rejected. Suddenly the theme of my inner child was clear: she was so, so scared. Of anything and everything. I had to show her she didn’t need to be afraid, but how?
Exposure therapy helped me unlearn an inclination toward fear, and helped me learn new patterns and regulate my nervous system
My breakup with my partner of 8 years just 6 months shy of our wedding date was my lowest of lows. I couldn’t get by living life the way I always had and it was time to wake up to my emotional truth. My life’s decisions had all been dictated by fear. I made a list of my deepest fears:
Fear of not living up to my potential or fulfilling my life’s purpose
Fear of choosing the wrong partner, career, or even the wrong meal
Fear of being disappointed even after asking for what I needed
Fear of not having financial independence and needing to rely on a man
Fear of being rejected once I showed my full self
Fear of genuine connection, emotional vulnerability and emotional expression
Fear of life happening to me rather than being in control
Fear of humiliation, being taken advantage of, or being made a fool
I had to find safe spaces to show myself these fears did not have to control my life. As an example, I feared genuine connection, and emotional vulnerability/expression. To form a new neural pathway and rewire my nervous system, I had to prove to myself this could be safe. I practiced with my sisters and with my cousin. Instead of trying to put out my “tough girl” image, I collapsed. I told them how much anguish I was experiencing. I told them I needed support. And you know what? I got exactly that. Even hundreds of miles away from them, I got supportive text messages, consistent phone calls, photos and videos to help cheer me up, and an overall outpouring of love. I felt like I finally knew what support felt like, because I was willing to be vulnerable and ask for it. And just like that, I also disproved the idea that I had to live in fear of being disappointed. I stated my needs, and the people who love and care about me were there to step up to meet them. In that process, I divulged information I had hidden from them for years. I feared when they learned it, they would no longer love me. Zero truth to that. Shame imprisoned me and kept me bound to that fear. It felt so wonderful to finally be accepted for my full self, even for mistakes I had made.
Even one point of proof that something we have been telling ourselves is not true can help us dismantle these views and beliefs that are holding us back in life. Challenge yourself. Get introspective and search within. Honor the truth of what has been driving your decisions and don’t be afraid of what you will uncover. The uncertainty is scary and uncomfortable at times, but it’s also the path to authenticity and truly meeting yourself.
I reconnect regularly with my inner child through activities she loved to show her she is safe and doesn’t need to be afraid of feeling joy
I sat down and made a list of all the things I loved to do as a child. Things like swimming, playing sports, artistic expression and creation, writing, playing music, singing, even playing on the swingset. I started to carve out an hour a week where I honored my inner child with these activities, and it might look different from week to week. Recently I went to a playground with my best friend and we went on the swings. This is something my sister and I also love to do when we’re both home at my parents’ house. Something about it is so wonderfully freeing. Sometimes it looks like doing the exact activity I did as a child, as in this case. Other times it’s an adaptation. I have always loved artistic expression. Some weeks it looks like playing with an at-home pottery kit. Other times it looks like going to the ballet, going to see a symphony orchestra, or appreciating the art of nature. It might look like just bathing in the sound of the wind over the water, or in the trees.
Reparenting my inner child has also looked like releasing the emotional and cognitive hold someone’s actions held over me
The word “forgive” can be triggering based on what we went through. However, it’s worth noting that forgiveness does not mean excusing someone for what they did to you. It doesn’t mean their behavior gets a free pass. It doesn’t mean that they continue to get access to you. Forgiveness is for your benefit, and your benefit alone. It is defined as the cognitive-motivational-emotional experience of deliberately choosing to release feelings of resentment or vengeance toward a person or group who has harmed you. I dive into the forgiveness exercise in this blog post. For me, this has looked like accepting that my caregivers’ emotional abuse and emotional instability that I experienced during childhood had nothing to do with me. It had nothing to do with how good of a child I was, or how worthy of love I was. It had everything to do with their own unresolved traumas, insecurities and, you guessed it, their own core wounds. Forgiveness for me was refusing to let their actions tell me a story about who I am or what my worth is. It helped me see that I am the only one who can determine my worth.
Reparenting your inner child also looks like disciplining your inner child to teach her healthy accountability
Think of how a child handles conflict or shame when they have done something wrong. They might hang their heads or pout in shame. They may try to act like they never did anything wrong and sweep it under the rug. They may lie to avoid accountability. Why? Because we believe that our actions tell us who we are. If we make a mistake and have to acknowledge it, we believe we are the embodiment of wrongdoing and shame. But this isn’t true. We all make mistakes. We’re all going to hurt or disappoint someone at some point. Reparenting my inner child has looked like making amends or apologizing where I can to people who are still in my life.
I owed my former partner a huge apology for a lot that I did wrong in our relationship. This won’t necessarily be for everyone, but I wrote him a letter attempting to detail an explanation for why I behaved the way I did. I sent it expecting nothing in return. I was not sharing this with him so he would in turn list out all of the things he did wrong. No. This was about taking responsibility for my actions and my actions alone.
Reparenting your inner child is a journey, and it takes work
I’m still working through a lot of this. Once our neural pathways are formed and our nervous system is wired a certain way, it makes pattern interruption more difficult. It’s difficult, but it’s not impossible. Put together a support system for yourself as you do this work. That may look like mental health professionals, family, friends, pets, etc. Surround yourself with people who will show your inner child how worthy she is of love, and that you are now the adult in charge who will keep her safe.